Broaching the topic of anal

Question: How do I bring up the topic of anal play with my partner?

Introducing anal play into the bedroom requires sensitivity and tact. Best case scenario, you are 100% positive that your partner is down for it and, in that case, what the hell are you waiting for? Stop reading this and go play!

However, if you are one of the many who are in a relationship where the idea of anal play has not come up yet or it’s come up but you’re still unsure about your partner’s feelings on the topic, then listen up. 

Let’s take an all too common situation and break it down. You’re with your partner and it’s getting heavy. You’re both turned on and crawling out of your skin. Clothes are off, moans are loud and the smell of sex is surrounding you. In the midst of your animalistic lust, your senses are on overload. You’re enjoying touching each other’s “fun parts” and all of a sudden…WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! Your partner decides that it was a good time to slowly slip the tip of their finger into your ass. No warning, no preparation, nothing. Your body tenses up, you laugh awkwardly, panic sets in and the mood is…well…gone. Nothing like ruining a porn style moment with an unexpected finger in the ass. This, my friends, can be avoided (and it really should be avoided…).

Here are some tips for communicating about anal play:

1) Bring it up OUTSIDE of the bedroom. If you’re in a relationship and comfortable enough to be sexually active, you’re probably comfortable talking about sexual topics. Even something as simple as asking if your partner has ever done anything anally (not just anal sex). If the answer is yes, they will most likely say how they felt about it. If they don’t volunteer the information right away, it would be totally natural to respond with, “Oh really? What did you think?”

If the answer is no, it would also be completely ok to follow up with a question like, “Oh really? Not your thing, huh?” Approaching the topic without judgmental statements or opinions is crucial here.  You can even use THIS BLOG as a conversation starter and feel out their reaction.

2) DO NOT attempt to try it and just, “see what happens”. Not only can this cause some serious awkwardness, but with a topic that is as sensitive (pun intended) as anal, it really is important to respect the fact that your partner may not be comfortable with it at all. Contrary to what you may see while watching porn, the stealth ass hole poke is not highly recommended.

3) Be careful with your response. Regardless of your partner’s answer, be conscious about how you respond. If you find that they are open to it, don’t automatically assume they are ready for it right then and there, or even that night. I know, I know…you’re excited and I just popped your bubble, but trust me – there are ways to initiate anal play that are more successful than others. Contrarily, if your partner is not interested in it, do not attempt to shame them into it or make them feel bad. “Different strokes for different folks” is spot on when it comes to sex, and getting your partner to do something by pressuring them with guilt is a surefire way to negatively affect your relationship (and then anal will be the LEAST of your worries). There are plenty of people who have started out being uncomfortable with it and, over time, the tides change. If the tides don’t change, you may just have to accept that and find other fun ways to enjoy each other.

Let’s review, shall we? The topic of anal play can be uncomfortable for many people for a variety of reasons. So, approach the conversation in a neutral environment, steer clear of the spontaneous finger jab and love on your partner regardless of where they sit (get it?) on the anal comfort continuum.

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